White Flag

When I was growing up, I hardly remember much of my dad. He was always off to some far away land earning a living. Close to him I was somehow, I remember crying outside my house one day as I waved goodbye to him.

My parent’s marriage was always rocky and uncertain as far as I could remember. We had to abstain from talking bout dad, with fear and concern that it would upset mum. His arrival home was always secretly anticipated but it never lasted long.

When I was 10, we moved to Batu Arang where dad started a shelter home for young boys who were either orphans or had major disciplinary problems. The family stayed in a single room allocated for us in the shelter along with dad for a couple of months, before we shifted to a beautiful kampong house not too far away. Simon, my old and ridiculously grumpy dog of 10 years also found comfort in the land.

Things were better off for us kids there, but mum and dad remained distant under the same roof. The schools were near, it didn’t feel so lonely anymore and for the first time in my life, I had real friends. We felt safe there in our new house, and god knows it, mum was the happiest because she didn’t have to worry of our dear lives anymore as she stayed awake hugging us with her eyes wide open at night fearing for the worst. Although dad didn’t take the time to be with us, we were allowed to join in the fun along with the other boys from the shelter. Here, one of my first few memories of my dad were sculpted. We use to go jungle tracking and fishing together behind the shelter. It was fun, here I discovered a whole new passion in life as my siblings and I went through a right of passage where we were “BatuArangfied” and subtlety “sakaified”.

It took quite a while to adapt. I remember the kids at school being amused at the fact that my brother and I were English literate. However, we were the only ones out of the 600 children at school, and I found it hard to communicate in Malay. I think my brother and I also created history by being the only Indians in the school too, but back in the kampong, the color of your skin did not matter.

Things became better for dad from then on. We couldn’t afford anything fancy but at least there was no worry about our next meal and that was a bigger blessing than what mum had expected in that small town.

After two years of serving in the shelter, dad moved on to his life long dream to open a drug rehabilitation center and a hospice for HIV & AIDS patients here in Batu Arang. Things went on well for him, and the place grew bigger and stronger as it changed the lives of people of all walks of life, most on their death beds.

Dad still remained busy, in fact busier than he ever was before. I remember being the only one waiting at the school gate day after day, knowing that dad had forgot to pick me up.

As we grew older, Mum finally built up some courage to take on a job. She traveled daily to KL, left at 6 am and reached home at 9 pm. I grew very independent during these years, as I had to care for myself and the home. Father figures came and went, I grew much attached to one particular man but they all passed away like flies from AIDS.

My friends at school were my comfort, most of them remained my close friends till this very day. The best and purest friendships are found when you are children I believe. There in that small town, my path crossed with a soul whom I was destined to meet, and I found my first love. He was the biggest part of my life for years. He thought me how to love and live free. Adventures came along with the bicycles my siblings and I inherited from our cousins. We use to roam the town, discovering lakes and secret gardens. We played in the river, and found amusement in the smallest things. My sister soon grew out of it, but my brother remained my playmate till my teenage years. Throughout my journey into early adulthood, my relationship with my sister blossomed again.

As we grew up, a few events took place in my family which made my parent’s marriage worse. This time, it even made the kids bitter towards them. Funny maybe, but I never remember longing for a whole family. I suppose I had gotten used to things being as such, and I never knew what I was missing out on. Before I knew it, sis had moved out of the house and mom had found a new life somewhere else. I strayed away from my sister because she didn’t want have anything to do with the family at that point of time. I needed her to take mom’s place, but she couldn’t. The house was lonely; I tried to spend most of my time staying over at a friend’s houses.

I moved in with my sister a day after my SPM had ended, took on a 15 hour job as a waitress in DOME KLCC that paid me RM700 a month and treated me like crap.

After four month of Cinderella torture, I moved to Pantai Hillpark. College had just started and the jobs that I took on were pretty ok. Things were good for me. I found a few new friends in college that I got along with, day by day our friendship grew stronger, 5 years in counting. Back at home there was always Joe and Thilly to brighten my day and lean on in times of trouble. The three of us were inseparable. It kinda felt like Joe was our third house mate because she hardly went back home even though it was just a few floors down, but of course; her presence was more than loved. Thilly and I took on a job at TGI Friday’s where we had the most exciting and memorable time (I’’’ save that for another day). I had discovered a whole new family here in KL, and it soon became my home. People came and left the house, and my new found family grew bigger, but none of them ever left my life. Later on came Charlene and her family whom perfected the empty spots in my circle.

Months passed by and I grew more apart from my real family, or what was left of it. I don’t remember going home or even picking up the phone to call anyone one of them; but I was doing ok. My new found boyfriend had kept me pretty occupied and happy. I remember waiting for a phone call from my mother on my 18^th birthday, but she never did. But I understand why, she knew I was angry at her.

We started talking months after, but I was always rude and constantly angry. She tried very hard to win me over, but nothing worked for almost a year. I could not forgive, for leaving me at times when I think I most needed her. I learnt to detach myself and I became someone else, a young lady who was her own and nobody else’s.

As the years passed by, I eventually softened. Mum turned bipolar from full-time edgy so we kids learnt to feed on the happy times and just let her be on all the other occasions. I grew closer and closer to my siblings again, there was nothing to patch up between us, we just strayed apart for a bit, I guess everybody just needed their time to kinda figure out things. Things changed as i grew older, I stood up for my self (more than I should have), I was very vocal with my dissatisfactions and I refused any suggestions or advice from my parents. To me, I had gone through the toughest times of my life alone, I didn’t need them anymore to take care of me. There were ups and down in our relationship as a family but there was definitely effort from a few sides to meet up once in a while. We had more things to talk about, and more things to laugh about. Things just started to build it’s self like lego blocks, slowly. Birthdays were celebrated and trips were planned. I didn’t have much time to spare for my family, I was juggling a full time on-my-feet job and college at the same time.

I transferred to SEGI in my last year. By then, I had stopped working and I wanted to give myself a chance to enjoy one year of my college life as a student- and just a student. Dad used his EPF to pay for my fees and I survived with minimal allowance. There was so much time for leisure and play, more time than I could ever imagined. Assignments were a breeze and getting respectable grades didn’t even require much effort. It was an extremely easy year in college.

My family took more interest in my life, and with all that spare time, I made it a point to join in the fun during our occasional gatherings. My sister moved to KL and the entire family would drive down quite often juts to meet up for a nice dinner. Things were good as a whole even though my parents were not exactly reconciled, sis was going through a tough time with her divorce and bro was sinking deeper into his problems. We were growing stronger as a unit. For the first time in years, everyone was well informed about much that was going on and each other’s life and they tried to help whenever they could.

Two months ago I visited home for my occasional Sunday lunch. These days, mum allows dad to step in the house and make him self comfortable whenever we visited. Much to my surprise, I realized that dad had gone into the room for a short nap and mum had followed after, being all shy and all about the whole awkward situation. What a shock!!!! Never in my life would I have imagined that my parents would ever live under the same roof again, let alone in the same room!!! Apparently, what brought them together was my brother who needed constant company at home while going through a really tough patch in life. News immediately traveled to my sister who was about to return from US in a few days. We were all ecstatic.

My sister gave up her house and moved back to Batu Arang with great dreams for the land and people there. I went home a couple of times and it was our new routine to gather around the tv and chat our night away-together.

My 23^rd birthday celebration with my family that year was the best ive ever had. My family always took the effort to celebrate birthdays no matter what the situation was, but this time I felt something different in the air: everybody was there as usual- but this time they all wanted to be there and it wasn’t just some stupid obligation towards the other.

The festive season blew in more fun. We had a family trip down to JB and laughed throughout our journey there.

After a week of time with them, it kinda felt lonely being back home in KL again. It was indeed a weird feeling, we fight so much, we hate each other’s guts sometimes, they are completely annoying most of the time, but I think I missed them- coz I realized, that I’m exactly like the four of them put together and I found a little bit of me in every one of them. The thought of me missing them frightened me, and it was kinda ikky. I don’t mind missing the individuals in the family, but missing the unit by itself was too overwhelming for me.

Two days ago I received a call from home. She called to tell me about all her little adventures she was having and to fill me in on all the happenings at home and in the center. We spoke for a good 20 minutes and I was shocked that there was so much going on at the same time. I thought that it was just the luck that my sister had brought to Batu Arang but my she corrected me and said that things were always as dramatic as that- its just that nobody ever told me. There in the background, I heard chattering voices and laughs. The phone was passed around and I had my fair share of chat with the rest of them.

I sat in my room for a while after I had hung up. I realized that it was the first time in my life that my family was living under one roof- without me. Here I am living my life in KL, missing out on my only chance to have a full family- one that I had been denied all my life. As irritating and crazy as it can get at home- therez really nothing like it and I wish that I was there with them to enjoy it. I wanna fight and laugh and cry with them, most of all, I want them all to be a huge part of my life, as I am already theirs. After 30 years of starting a family together, who would have guessed?

I want to cherish and celebrate the people around me this year, and be more forgiving. This is my new year resolution for 2009. Cheers to people that make our life beautiful, both dark and bright, touched us in some way, changed us by their presence.

Faezah. Puru. Lela. Ah Soon. Bahiyah. Ain. Nabila. Chong. Jasvin. Sarvin. Aunty G. Dalvin. Pretty. Sugi. Hari. Ram. Muhi. Alison. Ram. Adrian. Kat. Alison. Dimps. Sam. Leaf. Iris. Nikhil. Alicia. Mark. Judith. Kenny. Sasa. Ranae. Don. Geeven. Kuhan. Rachel. Steven. Amrit. Thuls. Alice. Anne. Richard. Dharma. Yuhi. Rahim. Nick. Joe. Thilly. Charlo. Niezan. Poopie. Frida. Dinesh. Steve. Steve’s mom. Justin. Ram. Dot.Adam. Albert. Justin. Shern. Andrea. Eddy. Charlene & family. Josil. Timmy. Steph. Josh. Baby. Joanne. Joanne. Nishi. Max. Bernard. Ferdi. Rani. Ameer. Uncle Veda. Francis. Sashi. Tina. Sham. Anna. Irwan. Ben. Aunty Alcy. Uncle Muru & family.

Dad- your priorities were always wrong, you made may mistakes in life, but I love the way you love strangers- and you have thought me how.

Mom- youre kinda psychotic, I dunno where to start. Hahah, but I love the way you feel the pain and joy of people close to you- and you have thought me how.

Aka- You are so irritating- I love the way you are yourself- and you have thought me how.

Ana- You have caused much worry in our hearts- but I love the way you are, for the person you are inside beneath everything that others judge you for- and you have thought us all.

H a P p Y n E w Y e A r ! ! !