Sick in my stomach, For it was a stomach

I went out for lunch with one of my colleagues. We decided to have Malay nasi campur. As usual, something spicy, something green and something gravy-ish. My appetite was big today, so I filled my plate with kerabu sotong, I had myself a plate of lala and some green ulam with sambal belacan.

We chatted throughout lunch and I never really paid attention to what was entering my mouth. As I scooped my last spoon of rice, my colleague turned around and asked me, “is that tripe you’re eating”? And immediately I responded, “No lah, Its kerabu sotong”!!!! He reached out to the piece of sotong dangling out of my spoon and shoved it in his mouth. Soon I felt the blood rush to my head, an instant dizziness. I was afraid of what I was about to soon discover. IT WAS NOT FUCKING KERABU SOTONG , IT WAS SOME PART OF A COW' S STOMACH!!!!!!!!

I grabbed the nearest available liquid and gulped it down like a thirsty dingo as my colleague looked upon with empathy. I picked up the courage to look at it closer, It had the texture of a tongue, with rough hair on it. WTF!!!!! I tot it was dots, like the dots we see on sotong tentacles!!!!! Immediately I could feel the insides of my stomach slowly making its way back to my throat. I reached out for some paper in may bag (which by the way, turned out to me my CIMB bank’s ATM card confirmation letter which is needed to promise a smooth flow of my salary) and puked my lungs out on and around it. There were a few people that were looking with curiosity, because I couldn’t conceal the disgust on my face.

How ironic it is, as I sit at my office table…. I notice that there is a picture of a lady milking a brown cow. I want to be sad, I want to cry over spilled milk!!!!!!!!!!!!! The past one hour has been the most as-shitty-as-it-can-get one hour, as I imagine the sotong look-alikes being digested and seeping its way into my blood vessels. Therez this funny four legged animal taste at the back of my tongue which I just can’t get rid of.

Moooooooooooooooooo...............RIP to you.

.:The Hassel For Her Tassel:.

Dear mummy,

You were always a giver, never one to take. You were forced to support your family and eight siblings at a tender age of 16, give up your chance for education for the sake of all the other younger ones. I heard you were a bright one. Hardly even a young lady, you married and started a family. For 30 years you have been taking care of us and keeping this family, somewhat together. You gave us your food when you were hungry and clothed us when you were cold. So mummy, this is your time to shine. After more than half a century old……here you are lighting yet another candle in your life. The nights of mugging, shuffling between family and studies and competing with all the other young and green ones has finally paid off. I await the day when I will be able to see you nursing people in need and practicing what you have learn for the good of those who are neglected by us rest. Congratulations mummy, walk up the stage the tallest, throw up your tassel the highest, because you deserve such honor. I have never been more proud to be your daughter.

HIS STORY THAT MUST

It’s hard to gather your thoughts about something when you can’t really figure out when it actually started. Its funny how when you love somebody so much, u always feel like you cant do enough to help. Its ironic how even though you make a living out of doing something, its hard to do that something for someone you love. Hard, Funny and Ironic is what it is when ure going through it. The regret, hurt and helplessness comes when its just a little bit too late.

My baby love…

Hanz was the most loving out of my three children. He was jovial, innocent, and I saw so much potential in my little angel. What a family boy he was, always looking out for his sisters and the rest of us. I guess he was just trying so hard to be the man in the family at such a young age. Sometimes I wish his father had more time to spend with him, a father figure would have done him some good. I remember how his little face use to light up every time his dad came home, he would run to the workshop and help out in any way he could. Sandpaper the cupboard, varnish the chairs, and shovel the saw dust. Unlike his father, I spent alot of time with him, because I love him.

Ure just a little different…

Studies just weren’t his forte, but I knew that he was a very intelligent boy. Unlike my daughter Kanna, who was doing so well in her studies, I was hoping that maybe, just maybe he would find his talent in carpentry, just like his father. My son was always good with his hands. I thought him how to open up his first radio when he was two. From then on, he has been the handy man in my house. Such a smart boy he was.

Its not your fault baby…

School was just entertainment to him. He always got into trouble with the teachers, and there was no end to the complaints concerning him. It wasn’t my son, no, it couldn’t be, it was definitely the bad company. I believed that he would grow out of it someday, just like how all other little boys do. I had hope in him, because I love him.

I can’t believe this is happening…

My son started doing little things that I never thought he would. He got caught a couple of times by the police for stealing, and other petty crimes. It hurt me the most when they came and took him away form my house; I had to see him leave with cuffs and a chain around his legs. I ran to offer him a cup of milk before he left, but it didn’t seem to bother him much tho. To him, going to jail was just a right of passage, just like all his other friends. I would do anything for my son, even if goes against my vales. I lied for him, over and over again, even to the police. Sometimes, i took the blame for some of the crimes just so that he wouldn't get into trouble. Some things I did, I am truly ashamed of. But I did it for my son, because I love him.

You will find your way soon…

Right after school ended, I was hoping that he would get on the right track again. We offered him to further his studies in whatever he desired. There was nothing much we could do for him without involving a whole lot of money because his academic grades were to awful to get him anywhere. We were willing to spend the last cent of our EPF to put him through courses, to make him somebody someday. Opportunities came and opportunities went, thousands of hard earned money was wasted. None of the courses lasted for more than a month. I let it be, because I love him.

Work never stuck on. He always had problems with the employers, stealing and lying being their biggest complaint. Friends and family helped, but Hanz never failed to fail in what he did. I couldn’t force him to do something he didn’t want to do. As a mother, I paid for all his expenses as he lazed around the house and gallivanted the town with his friends. Food was served three times a day, I gave him money for fuel and his daily entertainment and cigarettes. My daughter was getting frustrated, suggesting that I cut off all his pocket money which will force him to be independent. What a heartless child I have raised, how could she ever say that about her own brother? I could have never done that, because I love him.

Just ask and I will give it to you…

But yet the money was not enough. I earned RM 1200 a month. More than half of my money went to my son, and the rest just vanished from my wallet as I closed my eyes every night. I tried changing the locks to my drawer, hiding my money, even sleeping with my money but he always outsmarted me in every way. Nothing I tried worked. Slowly, all the valuables from the house started disappearing. I was afraid of loosing my things in my own house. Nothing, and I mean nothing was safe with him. Anything that could be sold for money would be gone the next day.

Its nothing serious…

We always knew that he smoked weed with his friends on occasions, there was nothing much we could do about that. Soon, the rare occasions got more and more frequent. My house became a port for all his friends to gather and aim for cloud nine. We got into big arguments everyday, and I remember crying as he cursed at me. I tried chasing his friends away, but just like him, none of them had any respect for me. Years passed by, and situations became worse. He hardly spoke to anyone in the family. All day he would just sleep in his room and lock himself up. He became so thin, he looked like a zombie with no emotions or thoughts. It was like his soul had been sucked out of him.

It is me who loves you, not them!!!

It was not until he was caught by the police and tested positive for the use of heroin that we first realized the damage. How could we be so ignorant? Everybody around seemed to have known before us. And I thought I knew my son, how could something so big pass me by? That same night, my daughter had found needles used for shooting drugs up his veins in his drawer.

In this curtail moments, panic hit. His father was still too busy with work, and nothing was done to change situations. He was never much of a father anyway, why should it be any different now? Kanna was persistent that it was time to send him off to a rehabilitation center. My husband and I were against the thought. I needed to keep him close to me. He needs me, Hanz needs me. She is so heartless; she would have said and done anything to put him away. I would never do that, because I love him.

I was the better parent…

My husband on the other hand was determined to prove to his ego that he had not failed as a father. He was persistent and ambitious when he promised to take care of the situation and send him for counseling. Days went by, months passed by, but yet nothing was done. We were just hoping that he would come to his senses and change for the better. By then, I had realized; I was the only one in the family that loved him. The rest just didn’t care much, to selfish and self-absorbed with their high-flying life to even bother about anyone else. My son and I were the victims of their selfishness.

God please love my son….

One day as I was driving in town, I saw Hanz walking very fast across a field. Something looked fishy, it was late and dark, and I noticed that he was walking with a hunch. I stopped the car to look for him, but he was gone. There was a young couple that followed him into the dark. I waited there for nearly an hour, but none of them showed up.
Yet another sleepless night it was. Morning came, and i walked into his room. I noticed that he was struggling in pain. Oh God, what's happening to my son???

-December, 2007-

Dear Hanz,

Today is my first day of work. I almost can’t believe it. Can you? Your little sister is all grown up now. It seems like it was just yesterday that we use to play masak-masak in the back of the house. Remember how you use to put on mummy’s dress and walk around the house? Haha, shhh..its our little secret.

There’s a few things that I have to get off my chest before I start my new found life today. Yuck, i can't believe I'm gonna say this to you, please burn the letter after you have read it :)

You Hanz, are the only person in the world that I can say in confidence, “I love you more than I love myself”. I am sorry, for I couldn’t help you when you needed someone to be your backbone. I hope you understand, I was young and situations took a tol on me too as it did on you. Mother believes that you had it the hardest because they did not pay enough attention to you. She told me once that i was an accidental baby, and if I was never born, you wouldn’t have turned out the way you did. I am sorry, if i could give you back her time i would.

I wanted the best for you Hanz, I would have given up my education and everything I had for you if that would have promised you an opportunity. You know I would. I am sorry if it offended you when I tried to persuade mummy to send you to a rehabilitation center or cut of your pocket money. It was the hardest thing for me to do, but I believed that it was for the best. At that moment, I didn’t care if you hated me for what I did, what mattered to me most is that you recovered. I just couldn’t bear looking at you the way you were. Trust me when I say, that it broke my heart. Every single day of your struggle, you were always in my heart.

Of all that has happened, I am sorry for that one day that I had given up hope in you. I was truly wrong, and I beg for your forgiveness. I will never abandon you in times of trouble, ever again.

I will fight with the last ounce of hope in me for you to be happy again. Your struggle goes on, but you are not alone. I am very proud of you, for the loving, gentle, kind and giving person that you are.

For you today, I walk with courage. Cheerz Hanz.

Love,

Kanna

-15 January 2008-

Hi Mum and Kanna!!!! Hope the two of you are doing ok. I’m sending you this cassette, because I cant bring myself to say this to you face to face.

There is nobody to blame for what has happened. It all happened for a reason, and it will make me stronger someday. I did what I did because I am who I am, and if there is one thing that I have learned out of this….its that it’s never too late to change. I have hurt the people around me too much, and there are no words to say how sorry I am.

I promise you, things will be better from now on. I want to make the both of you proud. I am on medication now, and I feel the difference in my life. It’s been very hard for me, the pain is excruciating, but I will try my best. If I should fall, please pick me up, and I welcome you to walk with me. I am sorry that I rejected your help, but I guess I just wasn’t ready to be helped. I was afraid that if I recover, I would realize the mistakes I have made in life, and I wouldn’t be able to face it. I thank god that I still have my life and the people I love around me, it is my drive.

Mum,

I stumbled upon your diary a few months ago, there are a few things that you should know. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for all the love that you have showered me with. I know, it’s a mother’s instinct to protect their child, and that you did very well. I appreciate everything you have done, and I understand your intentions. Denial is not the way mum, by the time you learnt to accept that I had a problem; it was already too late for me. You were so preoccupied with finding someone to blame that you forgot about the true problem, me.

Yes I know dad was never around for us much, but there is no justification to what I did. You should stop blaming him for everything that has happened. Even though we never saw much of him, he is a great man, and I have learned the value of my life through him. You guys are my everything , I want to change mum. To tell you the truth, I don’t care much about what happens to me. I just want to make my family happy because I know that all of you love me very much. So do me a favor mum, stop beating yourself up for this and start walking with me. You would see that it makes a greater change. And mum, why don’t you cut dad some slack? He wasn’t that invisible you know. Dad and I shared a special bond, one that you could never see or understand. I always knew that he was there for me if I really needed him. You mother, have ever failed me in your role. Thank you for believing in me and never loosing faith.

Kanna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss you little one. You should try to come home more often. Things are different now, I promise. I got the letter you sent me, I just want to tell you how proud I am of you.

So…. Erghh…. I hate getting emo with you…. But here are also a few things I have to say to you.

I am not angry at you, and I understand your intentions. U and I know how much I love you, and I sure as hell know how much u love me. I’m your superhero remember? And did u absolutely have to mention the dress??? It never happened.

Anyways, i never really spoke to for the past few years. That’s because I was so ashamed of the person that I have become, and I didn’t want you of all people to see me that way I was. I saw and felt your concern, I know that I have been given many opportunities, and you didn’t take it away from me. I’m just different Kanna, late bloomer I guess, I just haven’t found my passion in life like you have, but I promise you, the time will come.

Try not to be so judgmental towards mum Kanna. She has been through a lot in life, its only natural for her to protect and hold on to us because we are the only thin she has got. I live with her, trust me when i say that her intentions were good. The situation was just to hard for her or anyone to think straight at that moment. I think you owe her an apology, think about it k.

Don’t you say sorry for anything, I’m surprised any of you even stuck on. Little one, I love you with all my heart, you know me the best. You have been the best sister, thank you also for being my friend.

p/s:Mum, could you please pick up my Methadone on your way home? You can call 1-300-80-7777 to find out where. Thanks mum!!!

-November 2008-

In Her Hoody

People who tried to explain her completely, never really knew her at all

Earthly Magic

It was as though she was waving an imaginary wand in the air, a little circle here, a wave there, and a touch of smile at the end. My brother and I use to be so embarrassed every time she conducted one of her “voodoo rituals” in public, stopping her at every opportunity we could. I am a believer of pranic energy, even though I never really grasped the true concept of it at a tender age of 11. Maybe a little bit here and there, but definitely not the “voodoo stuff” mum use to perform. It seemed almost illogical, but mum embraced every ounce of it. Every time mum “healed” a cut or bruise by simply laying her hands on mine, I would insist that it was the work of the Panadol I took or just simple coincidence.

One night as we gathered in front of the TV and chit chatted throughout dinner, I told my dad that I could see spots in the air bouncing off each other, everywhere I go, these sometimes colorful jovial looking spots follow me around. What a surprise it was when dad said that he could see it too, thank god it ain’t my eyesight I thought. Mum then butted in and explained that what I was actually seeing was energy in the air. Being the skeptic that I was, I never really paid much attention to what she said and assumed that it was just another one if her “psychotic beliefs”.

Over the years, I realized that what mum has been trying to teach me for all those years was indeed true. My entire surrounding looks like static in the pixels of a poorly tuned TV, with waves of green appearing by layers. I see prana- molecule movement in our supposedly “empty air”. If I look closer, I see a colorful fuzzy lining around each object, I see aura. In a silent room, a constant ringing sound is heard.

As I became more open to the concept, I finally decided to enroll in a Reiki course along with my sister. They thought me how to attract this energy and flow it through the body. As weird as this may sound to a non-believer, I actually felt heat on my palms as I meditated. We also tried practicing Reiki on our fellow classmates and there was a funny tingling feeling as they touched my auras and vice versa. I was also thought how to connect with my chakras. The inner peace that you derive from this experience was truly one of a kind.

Of course this was just the beginning. There are endless of possibilities out there for those who dedicate their time and mind to it. The more you practice, the stronger healing “powers” you receive from the cosmos. I would love to one day learn the art of reading someone’s aura. Aura can tell you many aspects of a person’s physical and mental health that can truly be beneficial to anyone.

While Reiki is spiritual in nature, it is not a religion. It has no dogma and is not dependent on belief at all and will work whether you believe in it or not. Reiki merely teaches us how to manipulate the energy around us for our benefit and the benefit of others. As supernatural as it may seem, there abundance of scientific proof and quantum physics to this traditional practice.

Some argue of the existence of cosmic energy and its realization as supreme energy. I’m open to the idea, who ever said that God should be an old white man sitting on a throne eh? Whatever the truth behind it may be, being in touch with the self and nature helped me feel spirituality rather than just having a cognitive concept of it.