My baby love…

Hanz was the most loving out of my three children. He was jovial, innocent, and I saw so much potential in my little angel. What a family boy he was, always looking out for his sisters and the rest of us. I guess he was just trying so hard to be the man in the family at such a young age. Sometimes I wish his father had more time to spend with him, a father figure would have done him some good. I remember how his little face use to light up every time his dad came home, he would run to the workshop and help out in any way he could. Sandpaper the cupboard, varnish the chairs, and shovel the saw dust. Unlike his father, I spent alot of time with him, because I love him.

Ure just a little different…

Studies just weren’t his forte, but I knew that he was a very intelligent boy. Unlike my daughter Kanna, who was doing so well in her studies, I was hoping that maybe, just maybe he would find his talent in carpentry, just like his father. My son was always good with his hands. I thought him how to open up his first radio when he was two. From then on, he has been the handy man in my house. Such a smart boy he was.

Its not your fault baby…

School was just entertainment to him. He always got into trouble with the teachers, and there was no end to the complaints concerning him. It wasn’t my son, no, it couldn’t be, it was definitely the bad company. I believed that he would grow out of it someday, just like how all other little boys do. I had hope in him, because I love him.

I can’t believe this is happening…

My son started doing little things that I never thought he would. He got caught a couple of times by the police for stealing, and other petty crimes. It hurt me the most when they came and took him away form my house; I had to see him leave with cuffs and a chain around his legs. I ran to offer him a cup of milk before he left, but it didn’t seem to bother him much tho. To him, going to jail was just a right of passage, just like all his other friends. I would do anything for my son, even if goes against my vales. I lied for him, over and over again, even to the police. Sometimes, i took the blame for some of the crimes just so that he wouldn't get into trouble. Some things I did, I am truly ashamed of. But I did it for my son, because I love him.

You will find your way soon…

Right after school ended, I was hoping that he would get on the right track again. We offered him to further his studies in whatever he desired. There was nothing much we could do for him without involving a whole lot of money because his academic grades were to awful to get him anywhere. We were willing to spend the last cent of our EPF to put him through courses, to make him somebody someday. Opportunities came and opportunities went, thousands of hard earned money was wasted. None of the courses lasted for more than a month. I let it be, because I love him.

Work never stuck on. He always had problems with the employers, stealing and lying being their biggest complaint. Friends and family helped, but Hanz never failed to fail in what he did. I couldn’t force him to do something he didn’t want to do. As a mother, I paid for all his expenses as he lazed around the house and gallivanted the town with his friends. Food was served three times a day, I gave him money for fuel and his daily entertainment and cigarettes. My daughter was getting frustrated, suggesting that I cut off all his pocket money which will force him to be independent. What a heartless child I have raised, how could she ever say that about her own brother? I could have never done that, because I love him.

Just ask and I will give it to you…

But yet the money was not enough. I earned RM 1200 a month. More than half of my money went to my son, and the rest just vanished from my wallet as I closed my eyes every night. I tried changing the locks to my drawer, hiding my money, even sleeping with my money but he always outsmarted me in every way. Nothing I tried worked. Slowly, all the valuables from the house started disappearing. I was afraid of loosing my things in my own house. Nothing, and I mean nothing was safe with him. Anything that could be sold for money would be gone the next day.

Its nothing serious…

We always knew that he smoked weed with his friends on occasions, there was nothing much we could do about that. Soon, the rare occasions got more and more frequent. My house became a port for all his friends to gather and aim for cloud nine. We got into big arguments everyday, and I remember crying as he cursed at me. I tried chasing his friends away, but just like him, none of them had any respect for me. Years passed by, and situations became worse. He hardly spoke to anyone in the family. All day he would just sleep in his room and lock himself up. He became so thin, he looked like a zombie with no emotions or thoughts. It was like his soul had been sucked out of him.

It is me who loves you, not them!!!

It was not until he was caught by the police and tested positive for the use of heroin that we first realized the damage. How could we be so ignorant? Everybody around seemed to have known before us. And I thought I knew my son, how could something so big pass me by? That same night, my daughter had found needles used for shooting drugs up his veins in his drawer.

In this curtail moments, panic hit. His father was still too busy with work, and nothing was done to change situations. He was never much of a father anyway, why should it be any different now? Kanna was persistent that it was time to send him off to a rehabilitation center. My husband and I were against the thought. I needed to keep him close to me. He needs me, Hanz needs me. She is so heartless; she would have said and done anything to put him away. I would never do that, because I love him.

I was the better parent…

My husband on the other hand was determined to prove to his ego that he had not failed as a father. He was persistent and ambitious when he promised to take care of the situation and send him for counseling. Days went by, months passed by, but yet nothing was done. We were just hoping that he would come to his senses and change for the better. By then, I had realized; I was the only one in the family that loved him. The rest just didn’t care much, to selfish and self-absorbed with their high-flying life to even bother about anyone else. My son and I were the victims of their selfishness.

God please love my son….

One day as I was driving in town, I saw Hanz walking very fast across a field. Something looked fishy, it was late and dark, and I noticed that he was walking with a hunch. I stopped the car to look for him, but he was gone. There was a young couple that followed him into the dark. I waited there for nearly an hour, but none of them showed up.
Yet another sleepless night it was. Morning came, and i walked into his room. I noticed that he was struggling in pain. Oh God, what's happening to my son???

-December, 2007-