Last month I celebrated my birthday. A whole day of celebrating ME. It started of with a mid-night celebration with my family and a few friends. We took a road trip down to good-old Batu Arang. We drove through the windy roads and rain, arrived just in time for the good stuff. I couldn’t believe that dad spent hours catching fish from the pond and grilling it just for me, neither could I believe that mum had baked a lovely cake with icing that looked so beautifully-ugly!!! The night was as perfect as it could be, we stayed up late making music and singing sakai-ish songs all night long. As I was working the next day, phone calls and wishes flooded in. I managed to catch up with my darling x-collage friends for some tea and cake after work, reminiscing about the good old days.
Charlene and I hurried home as it was getting late for my Birthday Bash. We put on our finest clothes and headed down to a World Aids Day Event in Heritage Row. As dodgy as it may sound, club 69 was quite impressive. Family and friends greeted me at the entrance and we made our way through the night. What a fun- filled- crazy –ass night it was, from a tiara on my head, naughty juice all night long, naked men parade to pole dancing!!! Hah, it almost felt like a bachelorette party.
The thought of that day lasted for more than a week. I felt like I couldn’t thank my friends and family enough for making the time and effort to spare one night out of their busy week just for me!! Now, what the hell in the world did I do to deserve that I thought. For everybody that was present there, I too have taken time off to attend their birthday parties. So why did it feel different this time, why am I am I feeling indebted? This was the second birthday party out of my 23 years. I remember being grateful to my friends the last time around, but I somewhat felt like I deserved to be celebrated two years ago. How ironic, two years down the line after graduating with a Bachelor of Science and having somewhat good luck in landing me jobs, here I am feeling undeserving of a night of celebrating me.
I was thinking about a possible spillover of guilt.
I usually carry my guilt around in bottles. Released occasionally in the right place, at the right time, and it fades away in the appropriate time. Somewhere along the line when I was not paying much attention, the caps of my bottles loosened and started leaking over my paths that I walked. What i was feeling had nothing to do with my relationship with my friends that were there that night. It was pieces of me that have not done enough for the few others- that were not there.
It showered me with a little much of low-self esteem for a bit, but then after some time and thought, I rose up feeling like a better person. I do deserve my friends, they are a blessing in my life, as I am in theirs.
As for my spilt over guilt, I guess that I cant be the ideal that I would like to be in all areas of my life, therefore, enjoying the other parts of my life that are almost perfect- is almost pretty much ok. The rest will fall in place, because it has to. It must.
