Hi Mum and Kanna!!!! Hope the two of you are doing ok. I’m sending you this cassette, because I cant bring myself to say this to you face to face.

There is nobody to blame for what has happened. It all happened for a reason, and it will make me stronger someday. I did what I did because I am who I am, and if there is one thing that I have learned out of this….its that it’s never too late to change. I have hurt the people around me too much, and there are no words to say how sorry I am.

I promise you, things will be better from now on. I want to make the both of you proud. I am on medication now, and I feel the difference in my life. It’s been very hard for me, the pain is excruciating, but I will try my best. If I should fall, please pick me up, and I welcome you to walk with me. I am sorry that I rejected your help, but I guess I just wasn’t ready to be helped. I was afraid that if I recover, I would realize the mistakes I have made in life, and I wouldn’t be able to face it. I thank god that I still have my life and the people I love around me, it is my drive.

Mum,

I stumbled upon your diary a few months ago, there are a few things that you should know. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for all the love that you have showered me with. I know, it’s a mother’s instinct to protect their child, and that you did very well. I appreciate everything you have done, and I understand your intentions. Denial is not the way mum, by the time you learnt to accept that I had a problem; it was already too late for me. You were so preoccupied with finding someone to blame that you forgot about the true problem, me.

Yes I know dad was never around for us much, but there is no justification to what I did. You should stop blaming him for everything that has happened. Even though we never saw much of him, he is a great man, and I have learned the value of my life through him. You guys are my everything , I want to change mum. To tell you the truth, I don’t care much about what happens to me. I just want to make my family happy because I know that all of you love me very much. So do me a favor mum, stop beating yourself up for this and start walking with me. You would see that it makes a greater change. And mum, why don’t you cut dad some slack? He wasn’t that invisible you know. Dad and I shared a special bond, one that you could never see or understand. I always knew that he was there for me if I really needed him. You mother, have ever failed me in your role. Thank you for believing in me and never loosing faith.

Kanna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss you little one. You should try to come home more often. Things are different now, I promise. I got the letter you sent me, I just want to tell you how proud I am of you.

So…. Erghh…. I hate getting emo with you…. But here are also a few things I have to say to you.

I am not angry at you, and I understand your intentions. U and I know how much I love you, and I sure as hell know how much u love me. I’m your superhero remember? And did u absolutely have to mention the dress??? It never happened.

Anyways, i never really spoke to for the past few years. That’s because I was so ashamed of the person that I have become, and I didn’t want you of all people to see me that way I was. I saw and felt your concern, I know that I have been given many opportunities, and you didn’t take it away from me. I’m just different Kanna, late bloomer I guess, I just haven’t found my passion in life like you have, but I promise you, the time will come.

Try not to be so judgmental towards mum Kanna. She has been through a lot in life, its only natural for her to protect and hold on to us because we are the only thin she has got. I live with her, trust me when i say that her intentions were good. The situation was just to hard for her or anyone to think straight at that moment. I think you owe her an apology, think about it k.

Don’t you say sorry for anything, I’m surprised any of you even stuck on. Little one, I love you with all my heart, you know me the best. You have been the best sister, thank you also for being my friend.

p/s:Mum, could you please pick up my Methadone on your way home? You can call 1-300-80-7777 to find out where. Thanks mum!!!

-November 2008-