A confession of an NGOholic

All my life I grew up as a daughter of an NGO worker. We lived NGO, we spoke NGO and we ate NGO. Both my siblings ended up working in NGOs and naturally, I followed suit. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Somehow, the corporate world just didn’t seem like me- its scary, with money chasing mean people. Working in an NGO is a total different experience as compared to the usual 9-5 corporate world. We are supposedly paved with good intentions. All the people that I’ve met in the same line were all so lovely, sugar and spice and everything nice. I guess that’s the way we seem from a window. This is a confession of an NGOholic.

I think the main difference between us NGO workers and corporate workers is that work seems rather personal to us. It is almost impossible to stay professional. Work is not just work to us, it is our passion, and it is what we are. There is no clear definition between work and play. There is no clear definition between a colleague and a friend. In fact, I stumble over calling my colleagues by their name or aunty. When words or criticism are exchanged in an NGO, it is not constructive criticism but it is a personal attack. When you compliment someone’s work, it’s complementing the self. Our work makes us who we are.
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I have stood in front of my boss with tears in my eyes as I was yelled at repeatedly in front a bunch of strangers for forgetting to photocopy the last page of a document. I have been asked by my boss, “Did you go to school?” in front of my colleague. Rather than treating you like any other working adult, bosses tend to treat you like their own children. It somewhat feels like walking into the discipline room every time you are called into the office. I get a shiver down my spine every time I am summoned; therefore I avoid him or her like a plague. Avoiding in return gets me in trouble, because of the lack of communication. It’s a vicious cycle, if you defend your self in front of your boss; you get shot down for the difference in opinion. If you remain quiet, you’re assumed incompetent. What the self defense say? – “FLIGHT”!!!

You would think that once you reach your mid life crisis, gossiping sort of looses its novelty. Well, in my working life, no doubt that it has been a short one, I have learnt, seen, taken part and also victimized by this gossiping cult. The things you get accused of are indeed funny. Among my top 4 accusations’ that I have been faced with in an NGO are: (*drum roll please*)
1) Calling my boss a type of fish ( too rude to mention) on a piece of paper
2) Feeding information to someone that wrote a hate mail against my organization
3) Falsely accusing someone of sexual abuse in the workplace
4) I wake up beside a different man every morning

The funny thing about gossips is that, no matter how severe the crime may sound, the accused will always remain the last one to know. It is a method to avoid all chances for the accused to seek justice or redemption. And people crave for gossip, I mean, who wouldn’t want to know what type of fish I supposedly called my boss? These are the news that will make it to my wall of fame one day. One more thing I realized about gossips that go around, you can’t just avoid it. The best way to stay on top of the game is to be the one spreading the gossip; I have noticed that some of my colleagues have been successful in gaining respect through this way. There is no such thing as confidentiality within the work place, all it needs for a rumor to spread like wild fire is one person to know or assume, or in most cases, fabricate a story. It’s hard to spot a gossip that’s travelling around, because people have a way of being so pleasant and nice to you, that its hard to even assume that such a person would be the Lucifer of the devil’s workshop.

Seniority presidents amongst everything. Experienced and elderly colleagues are very unwelcoming to new people in the organizations. Sometimes, it feels like they would do everything in their might to squeeze you out of the circle or just break your spirit. I admit, it is a great technique. Most of the times when I felt that going to work was the worst part of my day- it was thanks to people at work who were able to break my spirit. It makes you feel like someone had snipped your wings. They are groupish, they share gossip, they judge you and they make your life a living hell. The only way to go about this is by bootlicking. Anyone who has no issues with bootlicking shall flourish in their cult.

Rules and regulations usually work out to the benefit of the organization.
I remember not getting paid for 6 months, but I was required to receive a salary and give the money back to my organization one year after I quit my job so that they could use my salary as petty cash. That’s 6 months of travelling to the office, and 6 months of catching a taxi to the bank, and 6 months of getting harassed by my boss. I was promised a pay of Rm 2500 but I ended up getting paid Rm 1300 even though I was doing the exact same work as the rest of my colleagues. A lack of funding they say, though they could afford to employ another worker after me...i guess they split my pay in two. The pay is always an issue, if they can’t pay you what they promised, they should tell you up front rather than avoiding the question or shrugging it off every time you ask. Come in from 9 to 5, but overtime and time spent at home working goes under the rug. You are required to keep hush regarding any injustice that takes place at the workplace. Discussing/ questioning- even amongst close friends- may be considered a crime. Technically, you are expected to be zombies with no feelings when you commit to an organization; not allowed to talk about your feelings and you are also not allowed to address any sensitive issues with the management.

Sooooo…..how does one deal with issues as such? We don’t. It builds up within us over the months or years, and it eventually breaks you. I have noticed, almost everyone I know working in an NGO has had a nervous breakdown or gone through work depression at one point or the other in their life. Just a few days ago, I was talking to a young boy who was seriously contemplating of taking his life due to work stress in an NGO. I have seen family members that contribute their life’s time break down from betrayal. I have seen my own father who has committed the past 45 years of his life serving the community loose all hope after being accused of swindling money from his organization. If they only knew what his family had to sacrifice, and the amount of his personal money that went to putting a roof and feeding the drug users that he loved very dearly- but none the less, people believed it because it sounded interesting and it spiced up their lame life.

As accusations pile up, I somehow have lost my drive to defend my self. This is a side of me that I hate to be, the door mat that people take advantage of, just because they can. This can somehow be a good thing, or a bad thing…depending on how you look at life. It would be great to be one of those people who don’t give a flying rat’s ass about what people think of them. They seem to be pretty happy and content with life. It’s hard to do. It takes a whole lot of courage and walrus skin. I’m sure, for every advocate/director/CEO of a company/organization, there are hundreds of people who hate them; but yet they strive, and better good grows out of their strength.

This is not hate towards NGOs. I am proud to be a servant of one. This is just reality as I see it, and as I have experienced it. Throughout my growing years, I have heard the most dreadful horrible and outrages things about people who work in the corporate line. Much worse than the above mentioned. People will remain eople no matter where they work. Is the “perfect job” an oxymoron? When I was young, I dreamt of working with orang hutans- seems like a breath of fresh air.